Fanfic Rants with Duo Maxwell
by Kyoui-chan
Summary: Duo and the other Gundam boys are at an anime convention, and Duo’s presenting a panel, which turns out not to be as innocent as it seems


Fanfic Rants with Duo Maxwell

**Summary**: Duo and the other Gundam boys are at an anime convention, and Duo's presenting a panel, which turns out not to be as innocent as it seems.

**Warning**: This is mostly a writing manual, just in a more fun-to-read (I hope) format and containing the most pertinent, most-often-mistaken information.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything to do with Gundam Wing. Really. I watched it all on the internet… and borrowed all the extras from my friends who've loved it since grade school and looked down at me fondly when I finally got into it in my senior year of high school.

**Spellcheck of the Day**: Wufei- Wife

o.O.o.0.o.O.o.0.o.O.o

"Hey, guys! You ought to go to this panel at around one."

Four faces nearly simultaneously turned from their contemplation of the map held in the middle of their circle to regard the newcomer. Heero blinked at the schedule Duo was presenting to them, folded back and with one of the items sloppily circled in red colored pencil. He wondered vaguely why that mattered, but somehow, it did. Why not marker? Why not regular pencil? The mysteries of Duo Maxwell never ceased.

"What's it for?" Quatre asked.

Duo smirked in that way that he only did when withholding information. "Come to it and you'll see!"

"A panel on fanfiction, Maxwell?" Wufei had taken the schedule and was actually looking it over, a logical course of action. Heero wondered why he hadn't thought of it. Then again, his logic usually broke down when faced with Duo. "Why would we want to go to a panel like that?"

"Because!! Just go! It'll be worth it. I promise." Duo turned on his heel and was gone with a whirl of braid, just as he had been doing for the past day and a half they'd been at this con. Heero had gotten over trying to get him to calm down partway through Friday. It just didn't happen; there was something about conventions that seemed to drive otherwise fairly sane people completely batty. (Duo was not the only example, either; besides the fact that Duo wasn't exactly sane under normal conditions. Quatre had been pulling Trowa around on a leash he had bought at some booth and they had been stopped for photos approximately 43 times already.)

With no more information forthcoming, and no Duo to grill for it, they ended up dutifully heading over to the room specified on the schedule. To Heero's surprise, it was mostly full. Groups of chattering girls merged into each other, there were so many, some armed with clipboards and others dragging rather uncomfortable looking men. A group of guys in short skirts and bodices chatted easily with a bunch of cosplayers in one corner. A few eyed them suspiciously, then seemed to seize on Trowa on Quatre's leash and flashed them unnervingly wide grins and a couple of thumbs up.

Heero wasn't sure what to make of this. The room was fairly large, and looked like it had once had sitting room; there were chairs, some with people standing on them and a few still sitting, though they obviously couldn't see anything through the other people. It had all been transformed into standing room. It was a big convention; Heero had been to a few other panels with Duo or with Quatre and Trowa, and they had all been similarly crowded. The ratio of girls to boys was rather worrisome, though. Heero couldn't quite grasp why that would happen in a panel, this gender segregation. Was it something about the panel topic? And where was Duo?

"Let's get closer to the stage, I can't see from here," Quatre said, standing on tippitoes and still failing to see over the crowd. Heero blinked, and looked past the monstrosity of a pink cat-boy his eyes had fixed on in horrified fascination to see that a stage had indeed been set up at the front of the room, backed by a white cloth that had been liberally splattered with red and black paint (it reminded Heero of what Duo had thought a decent painting job was when he had been fixing up his room back home). A line of lights had been set up at the front of the stage, making it the only decently lit part of the room.

Wufei led the way, sliding around and through people and visibly restraining himself from incapacitating the same pink monstrosity that Heero had been staring at when the catboy groped him. The other two and Heero followed him—Heero sent the catboy a glare when he looked ready to repeat his Wufei experiment on another Asian.

The foremost question—where was Duo when he had been the one to tell them to come here?—was answered when a loud and overly happy baritone cut through the chatter of the crowd.

"Hey, people, let's get some quiet in here! Is this a panel or a mosh pit? Jeez!"

One Duo Maxwell strode in from a side door and onto the lighted stage in his full cosplay gear, leather pants that Heero knew for a _fact_ he was wearing nothing but himself underneath, and only some combination of various silk and leather strips buckled and tied around his top for a shirt. Another silk ribbon ran through his braid, and eyeliner, mascara, and dark red lipstick turned his face into a flawlessly garish rendition of his usual features. Tiny bat wings rose from his back, fastened onto one of the strips of leather crisscrossing his torso. Heero remembered those; they had been a bitch to make, involving a lot of very small metal parts and joints before being covering in cloth. He'd wondered what had happened to them. Apparently they were finally coming into play.

The crowd slowly fell silent, save for a new round of whispering of an entirely different timbre. Duo smiled benevolently at them.

"Thank you for coming to Duo Maxwell's Fanfic Rants! This is the second in the series of three that I have and will be giving over the three days of this con! Today's topic, as you all hopefully know, partially because of the 'over eighteen only' admittance and partly because you've all read your handy dandy extended guidebooks and wanted to come, is smut. Pr0n. Lemons. Limes. Citrus. Porn."

A cheer rippled over the crowds. Duo's voice carried well, jauntily and perfectly self-confident despite the astonishing words he was saying to—Good lord, this entire fraction of humanity. Heero checked, and sure enough, his numb surprise was echoed on the other three's faces.

Three little words were foremost in Heero's mind— "What. The. Fuck."

Not that he considered it _beyond_ Duo to be standing up there saying those words. In fact, it should be something he should have almost expected when Duo told them to come here. But even so-- It was _Duo_ saying _those words_!!

"Thank you. Now, first, since this is mostly a panel for writers, we'll go over some of the real no-no's. The basics. The things that will make informed readers hit the 'back' button on your story as soon as they hit them. Duo tip number one? Do your research, people. Have at least some idea what you're talking about. I don't care what sexuality you're writing about, I've seen some pretty damn bad screw-ups in all of them. Lesbianism? Most of 'em aren't _that_ wet. Hetero? Dear lord, use a condom. Please. Unless you _want _to get someone pregnant. Male-male? Lube, for the love of god. Lube. Oh, and preparation."

The crowd seemed to be hanging on to his every word. Heero was, too, but for an entirely different reason.

"Now, I'll admit that I've had way more experience with the male-male part of this particular topic, so if I seem to leave things out in other categories, please feel free to ask questions. Though I think there was a 'yaoi' tag on my description, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem!

"We'll start on the topic of lube, shall we? The classic newbie mistake is to not use any. The slightly less newbie but still classic mistake is to use _water_. Have you _tried_ to make anything slick using just water? Well, okay, not 'anything,' but skin. Skin does not lose friction with the application of water. Actually, it gains it- water takes oils off the skin and whatnot. Believe me, even saliva is better than water. And that's pretty much one of the shittiest lubes ever.

"My advice is to try stuff on yourself in the shower. If it doesn't feel too good, then by god, it's probably _not gonna feel too good._ Don't be giving me those looks."

Heero was definitely giving him one of those looks. He didn't make sure, but he was fairly certain that Wufei, Quatre, and Trowa were giving him 'those looks' as well. The look in question was one of horror and slight disgust, as well as renewed shock that Duo would have the audacity to suggest such a thing.

"I see guys out in my audience, and don't tell me you've never played with yourself. It's just a bit of experimentation. Girls—well, I have it on a friend's authority that a lot of you have a good bit less experience with a little self-on-self action, but if you're going to be writing this kind of thing, get over it already. You might not have a prostate, but you've still got the muscles and internal skin. Soap does not feel good. It's amazing effective, but it doesn't feel good. Various other things just should not be used as lube. If you have the bright idea to use it in your story, try a bit of realism.

"Second! Preparation! The number of times I've read 'and he slid smoothly inside so-and-so into bliss' or whatever the fuck it is, right off the bat; oh god. I don't even want to think about it. It makes me cry inside. You can't get inside that part of the body that easily. Again, fucking try it on yourself. Yes, it seems kind of disgusting. But you don't have to go that deep. Just test it. It. Doesn't. Work. Without preparation of some sort, you're not getting much more than a finger inside without tearing something, and you're not even gonna get that much in 'easily.'

"Now, I realize that not all of you are the kind of people making these mistakes. In fact, I hope that I'm probably preaching to the choir here! So we're going to pause and allow a few pieces of input from the audience!"

Hands went up here and there.

"Yeah, you with the cat ears and the pink!"

It was the same goddamn cat boy. Wufei glared. Duo seemed to take no notice, treating them as any other audience members.

"Are you speaking from personal experience?" Heero couldn't exactly label his tone as an 'attempt' at sultry; it _was _sultry. It was simply his own irrational personal dislike that made it so distasteful. And what was he doing speaking that way to Duo? Heero _knew_ firsthand that Duo was speaking from personal experience, but certainly he wouldn't tell that to catboy there—

"Why, yes, I am," Duo said with a chirp in his voice. Heero wanted to hide his face from the world. "Of course, you'll always have to wonder whether I'm talking about writing or real life, won't you?"

Heero blinked. Maybe Duo had picked up on their dislike after all. Or maybe he just felt similarly about the pink.

"You next!" He pointed to a petite cosplayer who was twisting a staff she carried self consciously as she kept her hand in the air.

"Umn, are you ah, willing to give your opinion on other's writing?" If her face got any redder, Heero was sure she would combust.

"Depends, but let's keep that stuff for the end of the panel. Right. I've remembered where I'm supposed to go next! Storyline! Please, people, for the love of god, read something before you write. And if you find that your idea is ridiculously close to everyone else's, don't write it. Similarly, if the only ideas you get are from reading other peoples works, and aren't either companions, sidestories, or sequels that acknowledge the original, and you can't change them enough to be your own, just don't post it. You can write it, but the rest of us don't wanna be reading something that's practically plagiarism.

"Not that you can't take something from what you read! Like, and this is just a rough example, you're reading something with vampires and you wanna do something with vampires, well that's fine. So long as the vampire bit is all you're taking, and not, you know, the character alignment, plot, et cetera. Similarly, if your characterization is influenced by a particularly good story, that's to be expected. It's nice if you mention that, though. Give credit, and all that good stuff.

"In the same vein of plagiarism, don't go writing a rewrite of the original, either. Nobody wants to read that. We're in the fanfiction for an original take on something else, not the same thing we already read. Oh, but I'm straying into yesterday's topic. Sorry.

"Right! The next order of business is to discuss the two schools of thought on porn. Now, that's just according to my theories, so there might be more. But for the most part, I think everyone's preferences can fit into two categories: realistic and fanciful. It's all about what you like better. Which turns you on more? Sex that's closer to what happens in reality? Or the mind-blowing, wonderful, but generally completely-detached-from-the-real-thing stuff? Is porn your creative representation of life, or your escape from real life? Hey, let's see a show of hands!

"Realists?"

Hands went up, scattered through the crowd. Heero watched in perplexed fascination.

"Fantasists?"

Different hands went up, more this time. It still looked pretty close to half-and-half numbers, though. But there was no way the entire crowd had been represented…

"Mix of both?" Duo had apparently picked up on this too. Sure enough, the missing percentage of hands went up, joined by some that had gone up before to make what Heero estimated at nearly seventy percent of the crowd.

"See, you have to go with what you like in writing it. You'll do better with some research behind it either way, though. Because the more you mix it together, the more people you'll reach. And whether you're writing it for yourself or someone else, if you're posting it, then you're posting it to reach the readers.

"Realism and fantacism have different limitations. For instance, if perfect sex is what you're going for, then the sexual pattern is probably going to be pretty dependable, there's not gonna be any premature stuff or losing the momentum, that sort of thing. It's pretty, it's sexy, it's lustful, it's perfect, it's fun. You can get away with some stuff in this genre that the hardcore realists will give you a hard time for, but so long as you don't go too far, you're good.

"If you're writing for those hardcore realists, realize this: Sex is hard. And it can hurt. And not all parts of it are good, and sometimes there are little turn-offs in the middle of it. The list of things that are wrong with sex, or could go wrong during sex, are endless. Put some bumps in your road. Perfect sex does not exist except for in porn. Oh, and the strange minds of those hopeless romantics, but don't set too much store by them.

"Whew, this is just going right along. Hey, you in the corner over there, stop fighting with your friend. I don't want a riot in here, it's way too crowded. Who here likes writing tips?"

The response rolled through the crowd, mostly unintelligible, but with a good amount of it being shouted 'Me!'s. Duo nodded in apparent satisfaction.

"Good. Again, we'll start with elementary stuff and move up to the titchy stuff that shouldn't _really_ matter, but I'm just that picky. First off, watch your punctuation! If you can't keep track of something that simple, I highly suggest a beta reader. Also, spell check is a wonderful thing. I'm pretty sure you don't have to be a hacker of my level to use it. Come on. It's usually on automatically, people. Throw me a bone and pay attention to the little red lines. Also, it's generally a good idea to reread your work. Give it a day or two and then reread it, and I guarantee you will catch typos. The spellcheck is just a program. It can't tell the difference between 'run' and 'ran,' and not all grammar programs will, either.

"If you've got that under control, then we're ready to move on to the stuff that might seem kind of picky. But this one isn't. Don't switch viewpoints. There's a lot of good writers that don't always obey this rule, and if you're imitating them, just know that you might not be pulling it off as well. It gets confusing. You don't know what you're reading, who's talking this paragraph, whose head we're in that paragraph, you know. Sometimes people switch point of view in the middle of the paragraph, and then god only knows who's supposed to be talking then.

"It might seem a little foreign at first. I know that I didn't know this until a friend of mine introduced me to a college professor and I ended up in his creative writing class. Just so you know, a lot of this stuff is coming from this creative writing class, and the teacher is published, so I think he knows what he's talking about. It seems weird to not switch viewpoints; it takes practice. Half the time you don't even know you're doing it. But give your reader a little bit of rhythm and dependability- make some indication when you're switching viewpoints, and don't do it every fucking paragraph, for god's sake. The point is to sympathize with one character, not have to wear your brain out tracking two.

"Again, this might seem like a repeat of some of the technical stuff I was talking about yesterday. But it's particularly important here. Some of the writers I've read are fine about it until they get to the lemon- and then all of a sudden it's completely mixed; can't tell what's up or down. Yeah, it's nice to know what each one's feeling, but it's way more professional to keep to one point of view.

"Next: dialogue! Watch your tags. Yeah, it might seem professional and fancy to use all sorts of cool dialogue tags, but in actuality, too many takes away from the flow of the conversation. If you've got two people talking, you want the focus to be on what they're saying; the words themselves should convey _how_ they're saying it. And it really is distracting if each statement is followed by 'he shouted dramatically,' 'he growled ferociously,' 'he drawled slowly,' et cetera. If you _need_ that, then your dialogue isn't doing its job. Try using said. Some of the greatest writers ever used really simple writing, and look where it got them. Look at Hemingway.

"'Said' is invisible. It really does improve the flow of the writing. I know, I didn't believe it at first either. And I'm the one that used, what did he say—they counted in front of the class, you know—It was between 25 and 37 _different_ dialogue tags in about four or five pages. And not one 'said.' But I have fixed that fault now, and so can you.

"Of course, in the middle of a pr0n scene, we find a kind of exception to that rule. 'Said'… is just not usually the best word to convey the kind of speech we get there. However, this introduces the other hint to getting rid of some of the more ridiculous tags, which is not to use them at all. Indicate who's speaking with an action of theirs to accompany the dialogue.

"The other thing to watch, here and elsewhere, is adverbs. Make sure you need them, make sure they're actually changing the verb. 'Slightly' is a big one. There are others, but 'slightly' makes a good example. If someone 'laughs slightly' it's not really that different from them laughing. You might as well take out the extra word, make everything flow better, and make the action stronger. 'Slightly' almost always makes the action weaker. You want strong action. If somebody waves their hand 'indulgently,' however, that's a completely different thing. There's a difference there. If they were to wave their hand 'dramatically,' it's a different image, an entirely different message. You all get what I'm saying?"

A murmur of acknowledgement went through the crowd. Heero admitted to being impressed. He'd known that Duo wrote as a pastime, but hadn't known that he was this into it, knew this much. It was all utterly foreign to Heero, of course. He couldn't write creatively if his life depended on it. He could compile information and organize it into a report expertly. He most definitely could not craft a story, let alone with the finesse that all these little rules implied.

"Cool, good. We're getting somewhere! Okay, another biggie! When you're tracking names, use names. Don't keep track of someone as 'the pilot,' 'the scholar,' 'the blonde boy,' or stuff like that. Don't screw around with keeping track of someone's ethnicity to define them. Do you look at your friend, or, if it's applicable, your significant other, and think of them as 'the blonde boy/girl?' God, I hope not. No, you usually think of them with their_ name_. Since you're writing from a point of view, you're supposed to be in the head of the character, speaking with their voice. And since they're not thinking like that (unless it's some sort of one night stand and they don't _know_ each other's names), you shouldn't be writing like that.

"It's entirely possible that you're afraid of boring the reader through repetition of that silly name or pronoun. _Don't be_. Again, this is a mistake I used to make, too. But the name is invisible, like the said. You're the only one who notices it. I guarantee you. The reader just glosses over it. And it's less distracting, less confusing. Especially, if, say, you've got two different shades of blue eyes that you're talking about, and you're referencing them by their eyes. Not gonna fly, boys and girls. The reader doesn't know which one you're talking about. In case you haven't noticed, the reader is the most important thing here. There's one writer, but there's who-knows-how-many readers. Oooh, just remembered. Don't switch between their first and last name, either. It's not as drastic, but it's damn annoying. If they think of someone with their last name, keep it that way. A little constancy goes a long way.

"I think we've covered the important things, now onto the titchy personal details. Things that I hate in a porn scene. Okay, my personal worst is the use of the word 'globes' when we're talking about a person's ass. Particularly in a yaoi fic. Let's see, where can I get a volunteer—heeeey, you there!"

He wasn't. Oh fuck, he wasn't—he was. Duo had fixed those bright, excited purple eyes on Heero, his hand beckoning him enthusiastically. Duo wanted him on stage. _Him_, Heero, on stage. For what? This just couldn't be good.

Quatre shoved him forward, giggling. "Go, Heero, go!" he said. Heero glared at him in reply, but it was too late now. Eyes were following him already. He smoothed all expression off his face, save for just enough to glower at Duo, and moved through the crowd to climb effortlessly up onto the stage. He made sure to give Duo the look that said "You will pay for this later," but Duo ignored it and slung an arm around his shoulders.

"I think we can all agree that this is a very attractive male specimen here. Hell, we even have our stereotypical dark, silent, angry type. I would also like to point out that he's built like a dream- like most of what you'll be writing about will be, I expect. Here, we'll show you." Duo's grin was now downright predatory. Heero didn't even want to know what he had planned. Unfortunately, he had the sneaking feeling he was about to find out.

"Shirt off, Heero."

"Fuck you, Duo."

The murmurs ran through the crowd, even more unnerving now that Heero was stuck up on stage. He crossed his arms over his chest defensively. No way was he stripping on stage. He only had on his usual green tank top, having refused out-of-hand the black fishnets Duo had tried to force on him this morning. His sole concession to Duo's wardrobe choices had been a pair of leather pants that vaguely matched Duo's, except that Duo had decided that he needed more dressing up and proceeded to stitch in some ridiculous, intricately simple pattern in shimmering silver on the sides of the thighs.

"Fine, fine…" Duo sighed, making the face of disappointment that he saved just for Heero. Heero examined him with some suspicion, but he seemed to be safe for the moment.

Then Duo's hands had fastened on where his shirt was tucked into the pants and swept it over his head with the surety of long practice. Heero started, nearly incapacitated Duo in retaliation, and controlled himself when he realized that at a convention like this, that might get him thrown out. So he settled for a death glare and some uncomfortable shifting under the sudden scrutiny of the entire crowd.

"Right!" Duo continued, blithely ignoring Heero's discomfort. "Here we have what we've all agreed is definite drool-worthy material. Yes? Yes." Warm hands on Heero's arms forced them out of the crossed position they'd reverted to and turned him this way and that, like a manikin on display. "Note the muscle definition we have here. And;" Heero was turned completely around, facing the backdrop of the stage; "note the rear. This is not what we can really define as 'globular,' since that implies, you know, round. Like a snow globe." Duo twisted him still farther, so he was in profile to most of the crowd, and ran a hand down over his ass. Heero jumped and tried to twist around to glare at him, but Duo was having none of it. "Does this resemble a snow globe to any of you?"

Vague 'No's reached them.

"Good." Duo said. "Since I don't think I'm allowed to make much more of a demonstration than that, you are free to go, Heero! Thank you for your contribution. Oh, but I think I'll keep this."

"Duo…." The fiend was hiding Heero's shirt behind his back, smirking widely. Ooooh, if they weren't on stage, Heero would kill him for this. As it was, he once again settled for the death glare and hopped down to return to the others. Wufei and Trowa gave him looks of sympathy (which were rather obviously hiding mirth), while Quatre patted him on the back with open amusement.

"Another thing I take issue with is some of the verbs associated with coming. Now, most of them are okay, if slightly inaccurate, but we've basically forgiven slight inaccuracies in the 'fanciful' category. My pet peeve is 'sprayed.' Seriously. That carries connotations of, you know, sprinklers or something. Lawn sprinklers. I don't know. But believe me; semen does not behave that way. We won't get into real medical details, but… Ah well. Your word choice is your word choice.

"Let's talk about technique in writing about sex. If you're writing porn, you want it to sound good, and unless you're the kind of creepy fuck (just kidding) to be writing non-con, you want it to feel good. So, you don't want to just look at what's happening. Don't give _only_ visuals, only 'this happened that happened.' We want details, we want to know how good it feels, we want to hear about how close they're getting, what that friction feels like, and oh god, how out of this world it is. Focus on the orgasm. It's a cincher. Nothing completes really, really good sex like a phenomenal orgasm. Nothing diminishes it like a glossed one."

Duo's face became fiercer when he was talking about this, more like what Heero knew him in bed, and he alternately gestured with flitting hands around the stage at the audience, or ran those hands down his abdomen and across his hips. He had been into it the entire time, but now it _really_ looked like he was getting into it.

"I don't care if you've had sex or not—I know that there's definitely a lot of underage people writing sex, and I hope to god that not all of them have had it—but I should hope you've at least orgasmed before if you're going to be writing about it. If not—masturbation! Hell, you all are writing about people masturbating, so why the heck would you have a problem with doing it? Eh?"

Scattered cheers. A timer went off from somewhere around the corner of the stage. Duo blinked, then went over to turn it off.

"Well, that was our five minute warning, people! If you want to ask questions, now is the time!"

o.O.o.0.o.O.o.0.o.O.o

And this is the point where you provide me with questions to ask Duo.

Please, feel free to include a name and (realistic) description of the person asking.

Thank you.

A/N: So, a lot of this is actually just my problems with most of the writers I read. And a lot of it is taken from my creative writing teacher, who really is a published writer. Pretty successful, too. Had a weird name. Hell if I can remember it.

Am I a good enough writer to be able to tell people what to do? Hell no. But these are just guidelines, remember. Think about them, and you'll find the truth in most of them. And perhaps you'll become a better writer, too. I know I did. Warning: It will make you a much pickier reader. Guaranteed.


End file.
